My blogging has been stagnant for quite some time.
Assignments, quizzes, tests, reports—continuous torrents of these are making me more and more selfless. Less and less human. More and more robotic. It’s not unfrequent that I thought of running away. It’s not just one or two times that I questioned myself: Am I enjoying this? Do I really love this life?
If I’m not one of them, I might be lost in these questions. I might just give up and rebel against life. But all praise be to Allah; He made me one of them and guided me to the path—the path of those who know why and how to persevere, who are trained to protect their identity, and who are taught what is the ultimate purpose of living.
With this constant internal fight between good and evil, I can't look highly at myself. Lawwamah maybe, not yet muthmainnah. Yes, faith does increase and decrease, but it is still a long way from the Prophet and his companions. They did not even sigh when their hands and legs were chopped off by the enemies of Allah, and I’m here whining and complaining about these petty chores I am made to do! O Rabb, it’s still a very, very long way to go…
My heart needs to be processed.
I have to stand firm against myself. My heart need to be strictly told on what purpose I am living this life. I need to strengthen my tarbiah dzatiyyah. Ilman, you are living this life because your parents asked you to do so, and Allah commands you with birr towards them. Ilman, you are living this life because you are a brick of the big building called ummah, and you have your obligations towards your society. Ilman, you are living this life because—don’t you long for the pleasure of your Lord?
Persevere, Ilman!
Allahumma ya muqallibal qulub, thabbit qulubana 'ala dinik, wa 'ala tho'atik, wa 'ala thoriqi da'watik.
O Allah, protect me from the weakness of heart and faith, and make me strong, with this honest letter from me to myself.
Amin.
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